Emotion

Why Compliments Make You Uncomfortable, and Why It Is Not Modesty

Feeling uncomfortable with compliments is not a sign of modesty. The moment you are complimented, several thoughts come up at once: the pressure to do as well next time, the feeling that the other person has misjudged you, and not knowing how to respond.

Why do compliments feel uncomfortable?

Compliments raise the standard. Being told you did well this time sounds like being told you must do as well next time, and in that moment you feel pressure before happiness.

The gap between the self you know and the self the other person saw is another reason. When the gap is large, the compliment feels like a mistaken judgment rather than something to be glad about, and your first urge is to correct it.

How is it different from modesty?

Modesty is an attitude someone chooses. Discomfort with compliments is a reaction they do not choose. A modest person accepts the compliment and then downplays it, while someone uncomfortable with compliments struggles to accept it in the first place.

That is why they are not at ease inside either. Politely declining the compliment may look the same from the outside, but what is going on inside is completely different.

Why is it a problem to deny a compliment?

It amounts to rejecting the other person's judgment. Repeatedly saying it is not true tells the person who complimented you that their judgment was wrong, and next time they are less likely to say anything.

It also costs you. Each time you deny it, you stop counting what you did well as your own, so no matter how much you achieve, you never gain evidence of your ability.

How should you respond to a compliment?

The simplest response is a single thank you. You do not need to add an explanation, and you do not need to correct the other person's judgment.

If it feels awkward, you can ask what they liked. Hearing which part they liked turns a vague compliment into specific information, so the pressure drops and you have more to use next time.

How should you compliment other people?

It works better to compliment what someone did rather than the person. Saying which part they did well and how, rather than saying they are amazing, lets the listener accept it without pressure.

Compliments in front of a group can be uncomfortable for some people. If someone is uncomfortable being the center of attention, it is better to tell them briefly in private.

How can you see which traits are involved?

How high your standards are and how uncomfortable attention makes you need to be looked at separately. If your standards are high, a compliment sounds like praise for something that fell short. If attention makes you uncomfortable, the compliment itself is uncomfortable.

The Beyond Persona assessment reports Self Certainty, which shows how much you trust your own judgment, and Withdrawal, which shows how much you tend to feel anxious or hold back, as separate results. They can help you decide whether to adjust your standards or change how you handle being the focus of attention.

Frequently asked

Is not being able to take a compliment a problem?
Not in itself. But if denying compliments becomes a habit, people around you stop giving them, and you stop recognizing what you did well. Practicing a simple thank you makes a difference.
How do I take a compliment that may not be sincere?
There is no need to decide right then whether it is sincere. If it is a pleasantry, take it as a pleasantry, and judge later if you need to.
Is this the same as imposter syndrome?
They overlap but are not the same. Imposter syndrome is being unable to accept achievements as your own, while discomfort with compliments is closer to finding the moment of being complimented hard to bear. The two often occur together.
Does practice help?
Yes. Deciding on one response in advance means you do not have to think about it in the moment. After a few times, the awkwardness decreases.

Read next

Imposter Syndrome: Why Recognition Makes You More Anxious
Social Anxiety: Why You Tense Up in Front of People
Preferring to Be Alone: A Problem or Just Personality?
Loneliness: Why You Can Feel It Even Around People
Choosing a Career: What to Base the Decision On
Trouble Falling Asleep: Nights When Your Mind Will Not Stop

How should you read this page?

This page describes behavior patterns for self-understanding. It is not a medical or psychological diagnosis, and it does not replace professional care. If difficulties persist and disrupt daily life, please seek professional help.

This page covers the type in general. How it actually shows up in your own combination is what the measurement tells you.

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